Operation: Big Daddy
by prince kouha
Summary: A rendition of the cliche in which the 'nerd turns hot'- Jade Harley casually asks her sarcastic best buddy Rose and stylish lesbian Kanaya to help her become 'tres sheek' and get in the pants of Dave Strider. Hearts are played with, oh how love is in the air... Or is that retardation? Karkat believes it's the latter. -Humanstuck, Silliness galore-
1. POTATO

Kanaya Maryam never considered herself to be lucky with love, at least when it came to herself. Quite frankly, she was actually quite the matchmaker, it was her. When it came to other relationships, she was undoubtedly a meddler; the tall girl was responsible for the introduction of energetic Nepeta Leijon to the more reserved Equius Zahhak, and they had become the picture of the best of friends. She also put together the puzzle of clown piece Gamzee Makara and Pupa Pan Tavros Nitram, who not only were the worst rapping duo in the history of their small, shitty town, but now were an atrocious rapping duo engaged in fits of gay love.

Kanaya was always the bridesmaid and never the bride. The best friend of whom you never noticed, instead admiring the girl on the top of the pyramid with the huge tits and big ass. It's not as if Kanaya wasn't attractive, though. She was built like a model with long legs and a slim figure, and her long lashes lined with smoky eyeshadow emphasized her jade eyes. Her naturally dirty blonde hair was dyed a nice cherry red color, contrasting against her sun kissed skin, and the beauty mark under her lips emphasized elegant.

Snakebites aside, Kanaya was sleek chic. A modern, innovative beauty one might say- Kanaya preferred the term _'fashion diva.'_ It just seemed to have a more _'je ne sais quoi'_ flair to it. Rose just said that she liked to embellish terms because she had a big ego. She, however, was 'that girl the one on the sidelines, the one mediating between everyone else's relationships. She didn't really mind because meddling was one of her hobbies besides sewing and Just Dance for Wii, but sometimes she wished things would actually turn out how she wanted it to be in love.

However, what concerned Kanaya right now was that she was also the one to subtly hint to Dave Strider that Terezi Pyrope might have been interested in him. She was tempted to stab herself repeatedly with a perfectly manicured nail because she was stupid and love sucked.

Why didn't she see how completely and utterly wrong that move was? She felt like a buffoon right now, as if somehow she'd entered the mind of the self-depreciating Sollux Captor. Except unlike Sollux she had nice hair and didn't wear baggy shirts with crappy computer nerd pick up lines... Okay, maybe she wasn't feeling like Sollux, just a little stupid.

Currently, Jade Harley was consulting the fashionista of the certain relationship, which thankfully she didn't know about. Kanaya may have tried to project herself as cool, but inside everyone knew she was a total sap and the black-haired, buck-toothed girl was messing with her heart strings.

Whereas the redhead was classy, Jade was the foil. She was short to her tall, skinny in a fit kind of way from playing with guns and dirt whereas Kanaya stayed inside making clothes and enjoying Zumba. However, most importantly, Jade was kind of a huge nerd, albeit an extremely lovable one but nonetheless. Kanaya was secretly a huge fanatic for vampires, but at least she kept her interest closeted- Jade Harley publicly displayed her love for the anthromorphic fandom, science, shooting things, and childish behavior quite frequently. She also had no sense of personal space, and sometimes even ran around in Rose's house in her underwear (which Kanaya did not mind).

However, what _really_ mattered to Kanaya was that she had no sense of style, as shown by her oversized Squiddles Show shirt, khakis and combat boots. Even though the science geek was very 'precious' to her, it didn't mean that Kanaya wasn't tempted to stick a sign on the girl's back that said "Fashion Disaster."

But Jade had called her on the phone, finally wanting to change that, and so they met up at Rose's manse to talk about their "game plan." They were sitting at the dining table, Rose trying to take Jade seriously, and the stylist listening to her every word so that she could help the girl fix her problem.

Except there was only one predicament with _that_. Normally, Kanaya would be extremely glad to help, especially since Jade usually ridiculed clothing and hated fashion trends, but there was kind of one reason why she felt extremely uncomfortable.

"I want you to help me get pretty and girly so that Dave will like me!" she propositioned, with puffed up cheeks and a glum, pleading expression.

Well, shit.

Kanaya was never good at resisting puppy dog eyes, they were cruel and endearing and one of the most evil things in the world. It also didn't help that she had harbored the biggest crush on the girl for the longest time. Truthfully, the little affection was actually kind of hilarious, since she always had to cover her blush when the teenager barged into Rose's house without warning, babbling about how she accidentally blew up the couch for the upteenth time. However, right now the girl with the lip rings was feeling quite frustrated and also kind of sad. Before Jade, Kanaya had a huge crush on Vriska 'bluh bluh bluh huge bitch' Serket, and after months of following her like a stray puppy dog, or tarantula to appeal more to the girl's taste, Vriska basically attacked Tavros Nitram at a party and made out with him on the couch.

Kanaya cried for a bit with an embroidered handkercheif when she found out the news, because a scorned woman needed to weep in style. Rose and her ginger friend Karkat embraced her and took her out retail shopping to her favorite department store, refraining from chanting "I told you sos" until she recovered. Then, after Kanaya ripped up the pictures in the shrine she had uncreepily dedicated to Vriska, complete with cobwebs and picture frames in rows of eight, they freely repeated it every time the spider girl was around on the prawl.

Tavros was the blonde's little bitch for the longest time, until Kanaya was feeling vengeful and introduced the meek boy to the juggalo Gamzee, who was also Karkat's self proclaimed best friend. Needless to say, Gamzee got a total boner, used his crazy stoner powers to snag him and led Kanaya to ignore Vriska's pleading of taking her back, even when she broke her front door down. In the process, somehow she started to like Jade Harley, and was currently pondering why she was a masochist when it came to feelings. After all, she didn't even know why she liked Jade. Maybe it was because she was just so sweet, nice, and captivating, what with her rosy cheeks and round frames.

The fact that whenever she wore shorts, Kanaya could admire her toned thighs, nice hips and generous backside did not come into play.

Rose sported a very amused smile on her face. Goddamn best friends and the existence of schadenfreude.

"Um.. May I ask for you to please repeat that?" Kanaya said, feeling flustered but doing a surprisingly good job of covering it up. Tying into her a la mode exterior, Kanaya also talked with a sense of regality. She just thought it proper.

"Or say it in a fashion that Kanaya can understand."

Whoah, thanks for that, 'best friend.' More like Vriska's partner in crime, even though Rose and Miss Serket did not have a great relationship whatsoever. When she and Vriska were friends, Kanaya thought their rivalry was cute, but then they threw shoes (ugly ones, too! Preposterous!) at each other and it hit her in the face and she fumed while telling them they had five seconds to run.

Kanaya in designer heels still ran pretty quick. After all, she had been practicing wearing those blasted pointy stilettos since she was seven.

"Um... Okay maybe I should explain myself further," Jade responded, tinging slightly. God she was just so cute, even though hot pink was _so_ not her color, "So um. You know how somehow Dave got the courage to ask Terezi out?"

Oh, fuck. Rose was still staring at Kanaya with her eyes glistening with unhidden entertainment. "Ah, yes. I wonder who was the one to arrange that."

Whoah there, bitch. Kanaya stomped on Rose's foot with her new pair of cute Manolos. Rose yelped, glaring feverently and they proceeded to have a battle down with their eyes until Rose found it pointless and turned her attention back to the girl in dilemma.

Jade remained oblivious like the little nerd she was.

"Yeah, I really wonder!" she sighed. "Anyway. Well... I kinda realized how maybe I like him more than I thought, and even though I'm really happy for them I kind of want to rip my heart out and throw it at his doorstep."

The blonde nodded, knowing from many phone calls and sleepovers that Jade really wanted Dave's dick inside her. She had been gushing about him since they were twelve, how he was the 'coolest kid ever' but Rose really knew that Jade was a horny teenager who thought that freckles (as much as Dave tried to hide them) and shades were spicy fine. Rose didn't like thinking that people actually found her brother attractive, and also did not like the prospect of organs being left at her house. Then again, she could sell them for a hefty profit.

Maybe she _should_ encourage Jade to do that, however nauseating the blood would be.

"Ah, yes, unrequited love." Rose also enjoyed taking stabs at Kanaya's own heart until she was screaming inside in agony, like the marvelous best friend she was. "So, why do you came to us with this issue?"

"Well, like I said!" she perked up considerably because Jade Harley was listed in Webster's Dictionary as an example for an optimist, right under Feferi Peixes. Kanaya would say the cheerfulness was endearing, but Rose preferred the term annoying. However, no matter how much Rose differed from Jade with her cynicism and boring literature, they were actually the best of friends. Their relationship even rivaled Equius and Nepeta sometimes, although in different ways. It served as quite an advantage to the lovesick girl, as Jade thought Kanaya was cool and trustworthy enough to talk to since she was Rose's other best friend... But it also meant that she knew about Jade's fantasies of putting Dave in a fur suit and having her way with him. She liked to push those thoughts on the back of her mind.

"I want _you_ to make me pretty so he can notice me."

She then took a deep breath. "I mean, Kanaya. You're one of the prettiest, most fashionable people I know," she said earnestly, and Kanaya felt flattered and very warm inside, "And... um... well... Just look at me."

Jade let out an awkward laugh, and so did Rose. Kanaya had to stop herself from joining them. At least Jade knew she wasn't stylish, although that was kind of obvious.

There was still hope for the common man.

"Oh, Jade, you're not as bad as you perceive yourself to be!" Kanaya exclaimed with a fake sympathetic tone, gritting her teeth. Her other good friend Karkat gave her advice on the whole dilemma and said that lying was a great way to please someone once. She didn't know why she came to him because he was kind of a total asshole, but then again somehow he actually gave pretty okay advice and didn't pick on people's problems. Right now the situation seemed to call for it.

"Well, anyway... I might serve a challenge, but hey, who doesn't like to solve puzzles?" She grinned widely and sheepishly, her buck teeth exposed and making Kanaya's heart skip a beat. She may have a total thing for this girl but with her charming words and smile, Kanaya knew that Jade already had her on her team for this mission

"I would love to help you, Jade," Kanaya replied as honestly as she could muster. She was being the bigger person right now, wanting her love to be happy even though she knew the horrible truth: Dave Strider wasn't even that cool. Rose always grumbled about how her brother never put the toilet seat down and hid their uncle's old porn mags in their mother's alcohol cabinet. She only knew this from raiding her mother's stash whenever she needed a whiskey to down because people were fucking idiots.

Rose never really understood why Roxy Lalonde never uncovered them, being a master hacker and owning her own company. Then she remembered that she was a drunk and the world made sense again.

The two siblings didn't share their last names because Dirk, their mother's brother, changed his surname to Strider because he thought he was cool, or something about him just being an uncle in name and not blood or whatever. He was pretty much Dave's role model, and the little boy decided to his adopt the last name, with Roxy never really giving a shit because she was off seeing the world and drinking lots and lots of booze. The woman, of course, didn't leave her babies until they were old enough to raise themselves, visiting them every week anyway with obnoxious hugs and presents from many different lands.

Their uncle also dropped by every once in a while and made sure that they didn't die.

Rose and Dave had many opportunities to throw parties, but Rose was an introvert and Dave didn't want anyone touching the alcohol because he saved it for himself since a selfish twat. Howeber, sometimes they sat on the couch, cracked open a bottle of vodka and talked about Dave's feelings, but Dave made his sister swear that on her grave that she would never tell anyone of those moments. It was mostly him bitching about how Jade accidentally gave him a boner anyway.

Rose wondered if she should reveal that information, and that really her bucktoothed friend could go up to her brother and stick her tongue down his throat right now to have him returning the gesture, but decided against it. She would let Kanaya have her fun, and Jade really needed to get rid of the furry pride/science is cool t-shirts anyway. Rose knew that Jade had been basically raised by an old man and a fucking dog since she was a kid, but it was still a bit much.

The girl in question then looked at her friend named after a flower. "And you, Rose," she spoke up, getting a cocked brow in response, "Since you're really good at psychoanalyzing and reading people" _'And pestering people until they fess up,'_ Rose knew she meant, "And since you're his sister after all, you could be a help too! You could like... Tell me if Dave's faltering or anything."

Jade started twirling her long hair that almost brushed her butt, not that anyone was looking or anything. Heavens no. And if anyone was, it was probably because it needed to cut it soon, as her dream boy would say something about it being like a tumor or whatever.

Not because she had a nice ass, even though she was wearing khakis. Nope.

"Plus, you and Kanaya are both really... like, dignified," she continued, "Refined. And have good manners and stuff."

She paused before starting up again. "I'm... obviously also not the best in that area, so I would appreciate all the help I could get," she smiled brightly, "I mean, then Dave would totally see how graceful I could be! I'm not_ just _a man-child or something, with some training I could manage it. And plus, with Kanaya's expertise everyone could see that I have totally awesome hips!"

For emphasis, she wiggled her lower body slightly, and Kanaya refrained from getting a nose bleed. "Plus, it wouldn't just be to get Dave. It could really help me with my perception of myself!"

Ah, yes. Rose knew those issues quite well. Jade often liked to dig in her freezer for some ice cream since she was basically family and cry about how much of a doofus she was, even before Dave started sleeping with Terezi. Jade knew she was smart, with the ability to shoot an airsoft or even a real gun better than most boys; but since the media sucked they pretty much told every girl who didn't look like a more subtle Kanaya that they should just kill themselves. The girl was now looking down at her feet shyly, shuffling them slightly, the insecurity kicking in.

Kanaya just wanted to push the girl's head into her bosoms to try and comfort her. Unfortunately, that would have been obscure and socially unacceptable so she kindly stayed put.

"Are you guys... willing to help me?" She said uncertainly, biting her lip with her buck tooth and becoming ten times more adorable. The cherry redhead really wanted to pinch her cheeks, after a night of making sweet love by the fire of course.

Rose finally decided to step in with her wisdom. "Jade, I feel very flattered that you request my help in your plight," she answered, much to Jade's delight. The girl was also quite an open book and her emotions were worn on her sleeve, as well as her heart, "And as you are my friend, I would like for you to be happy. Of course I'll aid you in your endeavor."

Jade squealed and hugged her comrade, who returned the gesture. Rose wasn't really a huggy kind of girl, but Jade was Jade, and an exception to many things. Kanaya kind of just awkwardly stood there as she waited to speak.

After they let go, the girl looked up to her with widened, hopeful green eyes. Kanaya smiled.

"I believe that I said I would help you before," she enunciated, and Jade gave her the glomp that she had always desired.

It would be acted out in her dreams later. Kanaya thought that maybe she was watching too many romantic sitcoms with Karkat lately.

When the embrace was done, the three stood in a circle, and Jade brought her fist up in the air, waiting for her accomplices to join her. They stared at her hand, confused, but with a slight nudge and a death threat, they mimicked her action. Three hands touched in a fistbumpy matter. Kanaya was not going to masturbate later. Nope.

"Operation Big Daddy in play!" Jade cheered, while Rose raised her eyebrow at her oddly. Kanaya's heart sank in her chest, while the furry fandom enthusiast smirked.

"Well... That's what he calls himself."

Rose sighed. "Contrary to his belief, David is quite the opposite, Jade dear," she rolled her eyes, "He's more similar to... a small bird, perched onto a tree branch and constantly sqwaking."

Jade frowned. "You just say that since he's your brother!"

Kanaya did not want to hear any more words about Dave being a big daddy or pimp, so she deemed that now was a good time to interject. "How about we converse about this more tomorrow? I believe that the person you wish to have sexual relations with is not home, meaning that the Xbox gaming system is available."

She really did not like playing petty war games, but Kanaya knew that Jade loved them. She was a sharpshooter, after all.

"Haha! Now you're talking my kind of game!" Jade winked, and the other chuckled in response. Even though the former was really the one who propositioned the "game" in the first place.

"We're doing this, man," Rose mused, and Jade grinned widely while Kanaya wished that every conversation didn't retrace back to Dave Strider, "We're making this happen."

They settled themselves on the couch, Jade turning on the platform and putting in the disk for Modern Warfare 3. As the girl started kicking ass, dropping grenades and shooting in a frenzy while Kanaya kind of just let her character wander, Rose opened up her journal and began to write another chapter of _When Witches get Stitches._ It was a parody fiction with ghetto magicians and vampires with sewing machines. As much as her brother could be annoying, Rose did admit that his irony influenced her.

As the swift character of Xander started his climb up the trees, Rose let her mind drift and concluded that the whole fiasco would be a disaster. Kanaya would get her heart broken (which was actually inevitable since she liked Jade), Terezi would start psychotically laughing at the stupidity, and Karkat would find an excuse to yell about everything. Then again, Karkat always yelled at everything, so not like that was any different.

Nonetheless, Rose was pretty excited for the events to come.

* * *

**im just going to put this here because yolo. um i might have missed a few things in the editing so please tell me if so? sorry if the characters are OOC this is totally meant to just be exaggerated fun! please review and tell me what you think (i'll review back if you really want me to!)**


	2. WOOSH VROOM

A blonde and a girl with kool-aid red hair were currently making out against the cold metal of the lockers, while a black haired girl standing by them was desperately trying to gain their attention. Jade gesticulated heavily with her hands, making finger puppets, speedy hand motions, and even tried out some sign language to try and distract them.

"Guys, guys," she pleaded, "What do you think of my quantum physics theory? Huh? Is it good enough to mention in science club, or do you think they'll rebuke me?"

Of course, Dave and Terezi were too busy in their entanglement of tongues, so Jade awkwardly just stood there as she waited for her friends to finish. She turned around and gave a miserly look to a passing Kanaya, thinking, _'remember, Jade! Operation Big Daddy is going to start soon, and Dave will soooo be paying attention to you faster than the speed of light!'_

Kanaya smiled back at Jade, who promptly returned to trying to distract the two lovers. She was actually very surprised that Jade was able to hold out for so long, as the girl had a strict policy of "no bullshit" and hated being ignored. She speculated that Jade probably didn't want her love interest to be angry with her, which of course was perfectly understandable, although she didn't exactly comprehend why Jade of all people would fall for Dave Strider. He was the "master" of irony and therefore spewed out tons of bullshit, being the huge nerd that he was.

The teen sighed heavily, her interest going back to her best friend Karkat, who was a short, grumpy lad with messy red hair and a temper to boot. Currently, he was bitching about whatever issue was bugging him.

"God damn it, Sollux was complaining about how Aradia went on a date with that creepy Equius guy last night," Karkat moaned, his tone filled with hate and teen angst, "Honestly, no one gives a fuck. He's been stringing both Aradia and Feferi along, and he even has some weird hate thing with Eridan although I think it was just Eridan trying to coax him into something because he's so desperate. God, he's such a whore, Kanaya."

There were bags under his eyes from nights of incurable insomnia and video games with the said Sollux, but that wasn't the only reason why Karkat was complaining. The action was just something routine for him; if Karkat didn't bitch about something at least once an hour, there was something wrong and Kanaya would have been concerned. However, right now Karkat was just being his usual crabby self.

No one really cared anymore. Even the teachers were used to his bitching.

"Yes, Sollux has always exhibited some promiscuous behavior," Kanaya only nodded in acknowledgement to her perpetually grumpy friend, "And he has a very hard time making decisions."

Kanaya heard it all before, but to humor Karkat, she started responding to his woes until he calmed down. Satisfied, the boy continued complaining and soon his actions ceased.

He then glanced around, and the girl attempting to break up the two love birds finally caught his attention.

Karkat appreciated that she was trying to separate them but also found it slightly pathetic. God, she was just like a wounded little puppy, watching as her master played with another dog. It actually reminded him of one of his favorite tv shows when he was younger.

"I feel kind of bad for Jade," he suddenly declared, and Kanaya raised a brow, looking down at his puny form. Karkat was blessed with being only four inches above five feet, and also having freckles and red hair. He obviously did not get picked on very much, which was why he did not yell or scream or curse at people, "It's like watching a scene from Zoey 101."

"...What?" Kanaya inquired, trying to think of why that show was so familiar sounding. Wasn't Zoey 101 a kid's show?

"Like, whenever the dumb bitch got a new guy to chain to the bedpost," he complained passionately, even though it was a stupid, menial thing, "And Chase was kind of just there, wearing an expression that screamed 'love me! love me!' with his fucking bird's nest hair."

There was an awkward pause. "Seriously, that guy needed to see a stylist."

That was something Kanaya could agree on.

"Karkat, I mean this with utmost respect," Kanaya replied, also feeling a bit like Chase right now with much better hair and different genitals, "But did you seriously just admit to watching a kid's 'reality tv show' about petty issues in a boarding school?"

Karkat paused. "…Oh, fuck, I just did," he groaned to himself, "Well, never mind then. Please forget that I ever said anything."

"Duly noted," the two proceeded to still walk around with their swagger, waiting for the first bell to ring to signal class starting. They finally arrived at their first period class and took their respective seats next to each other, when Kanaya noticed something from the corner of her eye and smiled.

You see, Karkat Vantas used to forget to take showers and do the laundry before Kanaya met him. After they became best friends, even though he claimed to just pity her like with everyone he met, he was never the same. She was basically a miracle worker. She taught him the ways of her people, knit him fancy sweaters and somehow influenced him so much that now he had a job working at Sollux's mother's nail salon for extra cash to buy designer jeans. Today, the pockets of his pants were embroidered with flowers and one leg was ripped at the knee stylishly.

Kanaya was very proud of her 'student.' Like the appreciative mentor she was, she gave the leprechaun a nod of approval. "Your pants emphasize your legs, and go well with your hair," she complimented, while Karkat looked away in embarrassment.

"Lesbians," he muttered under his breath, but Kanaya could see the small smile form with his lips. Karkat wasn't very good people and bitched about them constantly, but his insults were one-dimensional, and everyone could see that he didn't really mean them. He was an angry kid who spoke with distaste and affection and inside was a humongous sap. He managed to retain his friendships with many different people- from the wimpy and slightly pathetic Eridan to self-depreciating yet somehow whorish Sollux, "But… So, anyway. How's all that crap with Jade going? Obviously you're obtaining her attention somewhat, but she's still clawing for that stupid motherfucking Dave Strider."

"Ah yes, yesterday, actually yesterday, she and I went to Rose's house," Karkat raised a brow while Kanaya pursed her lips, bracing herself for Karkat's criticism, "And she… um, proposed something quite ridiculous."

"However, let me guess. Despite it being ridiculous, she used the puppy dog eyes to lure you in."

"You know me so well," Karkat rolled his eyes, "But indeed it's true. Jade asked for help from Rose and I… to… um… give her a huge makeover to catch the attention of Dave."

Kanaya knew that the news would be quite shocking to Karkat, although she didn't know why. He did know that they were friends and that she liked Jade, after all. She would want to help a girl out with a problem, even if it was to snatch someone else away. It was not as if she thought she had a chance.

Nonetheless, the ginger's jaw dropped dramatically, and a few seconds later he smacked his forehead. "Kanaya, are you shitting me?"

"…No, Karkat, I am not shitting you," the girl smiled sheepishly, "I am doing her quite a favor by helping her out."

"Yeah sure, okay, but she's your fucking crush. Do you even realize what you're doing? You're fucking helping the woman you want to be in cahoots with to get the attention of the biggest douche bag since Daniel To-"

"Karkat Vantas, be quiet!" the teacher snarled, slapping her stick on Karkat's desk, "You can continue your incessant banter _later!_"

Karkat glared up at the teacher but obeyed her commands, being somewhat of a dedicated student. However, he did send Kanaya a look that screamed, _"we'll talk at lunch."_

The girl's smoky mascara-ed eyes flew to the smartboard, sighing with relief. She knew that eventually she would have to spill the beans to her friend, but that didn't mean Kanaya was looking forward to it.

* * *

Unfortunately, lunch soon came faster than Kanaya hoped, and before she knew it she was sitting at an empty lunch table, waiting for Karkat to come with his lunch. Usually, they sat in their own little group, but Karkat said this was "serious business" and told the table that Kanaya and he needed some time alone. People were probably gossiping about them fucking, even though everyone knew Kanaya preferred girls and Karkat was like the furious little brother she never had.

Kanaya surveyed the lunch room around from the corner of her eyes as she picked on her salad. At one table there was Sollux, his hair spiked up as usual, doing his math homework like the Asian he was and grumbling about whatever as usual. One his sort of girlfriends Feferi was chatting animatedly to Eridan, the pretentious hipster who obviously had the hots for her. His other sort of girlfriend Aradia was actually sitting with the creepy horse looking guy Equius today, smiling at Sollux's cousin Nepeta, who was also Equius's best friend. Sollux was probably grumbling about how Nepeta was a cheating little hoe who stole his girlfriend away from him, actually, now that she thought about it.

Kanaya never really understood the whole love hexagon/pentagon/whatever they had, but then again, no one really did. Her eyes soon wandered to Jade's table, who was doing her best to talk to Dave. Rose was probably in the library today, or doing something or whatever since she wasn't anywhere to be found. Her heart sank when she saw Jade making faces at the blonde jokingly while he chuckled at her antics. They at least had a very good friendship, and Kanaya knew that if she really tried she could snag Dave from the clutches of Terezi.

Hell, Terezi probably would be happy for them too; she might have liked Dave, but she could find someone else pretty easily and their relationship was pretty weird anyway. Kanaya was almost buried in her thoughts of unrequited love, and also wondered why Jade was wearing a wolf shirt when thankfully Karkat came with a tray and a disgusted look on his face.

"Ugh, and of course the school sells the most shittastic food ever," he muttered to himself, sniffing at his sloppy joe, "Goddamn lousy cafeteria ladies could afford to make something at least look presentable, not like a cow's fucking heart or whatever."

Kanaya only nodded as she finished the remaining bits of her salad. Karkat wrinkled his nose, and then gazed at his companion with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Anyway. Talk."

The girl groaned. "What I told you this morning was basically the gist of it. I accepted her offer of making her over, it is as simple as that," she rubbed her temples, "In the end, she will have the affections of Dave, and she could seriously do forgo her wolf shirts and khakis and _crocs with socks, _Karkat."

Those words almost made Kanaya want to cry. How could she even have a crush on someone who worse that abomination? The world would never know.

"Jesus Christ, that girl needs some help," Karkat sighed, "But, seriously, Kanaya. Are you sure that you should do this? I mean, what about your crush on her? She wants to go for Strider, for Christ's sake."

The ginger really was a good friend. He thought about her feelings and everything. Later, Kanaya was going to buy him a new heart necklace. It would match his affinity for romantic comedies.

"That is true, but I would like for her to be happy. I never expected that I would have a chance with her in the first place," the cherry redhead looked down at the table, "This would possibly bring us closer, and then I could confess my feelings for her. Maybe she would reciprocate them after spending time with me, but if not, then perhaps I can get closure."

"True, but meh," he shrugged, "Whatever you say."

She wondered why Karkat wasn't flipping out more about this. He didn't mind that Kanaya liked her now, but Karkat did used to have a crush on Jade. It was a long time ago and had faded but he really got riled up when he saw her with Dave. Hell, Dave was now even dating his ex!

It almost made her laugh ruefully- how was this unfashionable girl able to uphold the affections of so many? The world would never know that, either.

"Are you okay with this?" Kanaya inquired, deciding to ask like a good friend, "What about your former feelings for her? You abhor Dave, and Terezi is your ex."

"As if I give a shit anymore. Truthfully, after my relationship with Terezi, I've been leaning more towards the cock," Karkat said, perhaps a little bit too loudly. It probably irked him at least a little bit, but Karkat tried his best to project that he didn't give a shit about anything.

Then again, he also knew that Nepeta was listening in on their conversation since she had the biggest crush on him and also liked to be updated on gossip. She never really spread it, but rumor was that she updated a blog about everything in the school on some site called Tumblr. However, upon hearing this her ears drooped considerably, and she ate another cheesy goldfish to assuage her pain. Meanwhile, Equius tried to impress Aradia with his vast knowledge of different kinds of milk.

In reality, Karkat was like bisexual or something because he thought that some guys had nice butts and tits were always pretty great.

Kanaya knew that the real reason was because he had a small dick.

"Oh?" she raised her eyebrow in false obliviousness, although they both knew that she was purely kidding, "Who do you have your eye on, then?"

"No one from this school, that's for sure," Karkat snorted, and Kanaya could see why. Eridan was too whiny, Sollux was too wishy-washy (she would never get how he of all people was stringing two very pretty girls along), Equius was too creepy, and Gamzee and Tavros already had each other.

Love was hard. Love was hard and no one understood.

"So, tell me more about this plan," he said, picking more on his sloppy joe and contemplating on eating it, "This will probably induce a bunch of shits and giggles from how fucking ridiculous it sounded." Karkat was the epitome of an optimist.

"I do not actually know much of what is going to happen. I am actually going to Rose's house today to discuss more of this with the two of them."

"Ah," Karkat picked up his sandwich, put it back down, and pushed it away, ready to dump its contents in the trash, "Sounds like a load of dipshit."

That was Karkat for "I hope you have fun."

"Thank you."

* * *

**omg u don't even have 2 tell me I know im all over the place with this thing. ughhh I just wanted to get this chapter out of my ass sigh anyway uh review pls?**

** I'll try to make it better I swear omg I suck at 3rd person ugh but i hate 1st person for homestuck thigns...i also suck at characters omg i am sorry.**

** also btw, if you haven't noticed obviously all of the characters are over exaggerated? Just emphasizing in case you couldn't tell. john is coming soon btw shhh i have plans for that boy cackles evilly... and truthfully the whole sollux/aradia/fef/eridan/equius thing is just on the side for all intensive laughing purposes. ok this is purely satire and humor all rolled up into some dumb romantic comedy ok thank 4 reading xx **


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